I’ve been reading Never Split the Difference, a fantastic book by Chris Voss, a top FBI hostage negotiator. It is filled with valuable insights that stretch far beyond the realm of negotiations.

Rather than rely on logic or compromise, Voss suggests that emotional intelligence, empathy, and human connection should be the central tenants of every successful negotiation. I’d argue the same logic applies to most human interactions.

Today, I want to call out two of many important observations that the author shares.

1. Voss argues that decision-making is governed by emotions, not logic. He writes that:

● The best negotiators are not those who dominate with facts, but those who create emotional resonance.

● Techniques such as “tactical empathy” and mirroring (repeating the last few words someone says) work because they build trust and lower the other person’s defenses.

● You win trust by acknowledging fears and concerns, rather than by ignoring or denying them. This is true in all human interactions. “You’re dealing with a person who wants to be understood and accepted,” writes Voss..” The only way to get there is by listening with empathy.”

2. Positive regard makes agreement easier. Unconditional positive regard is accepting and valuing a person exactly as they are, without judgment

Voss says that when you view others in a positive light, negotiations become smoother and more successful. People bloom when they feel respected.

● By assuming the best of a person, you’re more likely to stay curious and open, rather than combative.

● Voss stresses the power of making the other person feel safe and in control, even when you’re asking tough questions.

● When you make someone feel like you’re on their side, they’re more willing to reveal useful information. “The beauty of empathy,” he writes, “Is that it doesn’t demand that you agree with the other person’s ideas.”

When it comes to human relationships, it pays to know how to make people feel heard and appreciated… even in the most demanding of circumstances.